Lodge Humor

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Lodge Laughs

A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this:

WIFE:Well how did it go?
EA:Very well - most interesting!
WIFE:Well, what went on?
EA:I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it.
WIFE:Well, is there anything you *can* tell me?
EA:Well, it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge - walkers, talkers, and Holy men.
WIFE:What do they do - if you can tell me?
EA:The walkers walked me around the Lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was walked around....
WIFE:And the Holy men? What of them?
EA:They seemed to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just set on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God, Oh My God!"

The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.
She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."
"It was postponed." He replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."

Following an article in the Knight Templar magazine concerning the conversation to the Metric System there was a stream of letters to the editor. Among them was this gem of thought-provoking tongue-in-cheek logic: "Bearing in mind the time honored adage that 28.349527 grams of prevention are worth 0.4535924 kilograms of cure, I am preparing for Metric Masonry. "I see no difficulty in the explanation of the 60.96 centimeter gauge and common gavel. Obviously the grave due east and west and 1.8288 meters perpendicular is child's play. My problem is with the pillars. How many millimeters in a cubit?"

The Lord's Prayer contains only 56 words.
Lincoln's Gettysburg Address contains but 266 words.
The Ten Commandments contain only 297 words.
The Declaration of Independence contains a mere 300 words.
The Master Mason's Obligation has 771 words (more or less depending upon jurisdiction)
But, a recent U.S. Government order setting the price of cabbage, contains 26,911 words !!!

A candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill, his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honor, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew he had come on his own free wheel and a cord?

Pat and Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first to go the the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like.
By and by, it came to pass the Bill went first.
One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, "Pssst Pat!"
Pat looked around but saw nothing, A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly "Pat its me, Bill!"
"Bill", exclaimed Pat, "are you in Heaven?"
"Indeed I am", said Bill
Pat paused for awhile to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"
"There certainly are, Pat. there are Lodge all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are will attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."
"My goodness, Bill", said Pat, 'It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend what is the matter."
"Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good new and some bad."
"OK, What's the good news?"
"The good news is that we are dong a 2nd Degree this coming Wednesday."
"Great", said Pat. "What's the bad news then?"
"You're the Senior Deacon!"


Police A Grand Master was traveling to an official visitation. He was late so he was driving a bit fast. A State Trooper stopped him, but recognizing the S&C on the trooper, the GM explained the situation. The trooper responded that he'd let him go this time, but he'd better slow down or he wouldn't live to become a PGM. Now the GM is even later so he went faster. Soon another trooper pulled him over. The GM again recognized him as a Brother so he explained the situation again, and again he only got a warning. Now the GM is really late so he drove even faster yet. A bit further along the way, again while speeding, a third Trooper pulls him over. Again, by his ring, the GM knows he is a Mason, and again explains his dilemma. This time, however, the Trooper writes him a speeding ticket for the full 20mph over the limit. Just prior to pulling away the GM ask why he unlike the first two Masons, wrote the ticket? The trooper replied, " You have met my fellow Troopers, Officer J-BL-O, and Officer J-BL-AH, I am Officer J-BL-UM.

A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain. "I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for you 2nd?" they ask. He replied, "I've been learning to subdue my passions!"

A chap went for an interview for a job. Knowing that the Boss was a prominent Mason he decided to use his position as a newly raised MM to see if it would help him get the job. Off he went with Masonic ring, cufflinks, and QCCC tie to the interview. He stood erect and took three steps forward to shake hands (YES, that one) with the prospective boss. All though the interview he dropped into the conversation as many references to masonry that he could. At the end the Boss said, "So, if I offer you this position, what do you expect as a package?" The chap thought that his luck was on, and so he said, "A $350,000 per annum and six weeks holiday." To which the boss replied, "We will halve it, and you begin!"

A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD. The postman, seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through the Knights of Columbus, as the Masons had kept half.

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus." "What's the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."

While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother's wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining. I asked in what way? She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book. Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on. Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong. No, was his reply. So why read the book there? Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....

A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said I know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and prompt you when you have any trouble. So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes I have three", he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a master mason's apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on. he said "how much is the one with the masters apron on", "$2000.00 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck", "No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on", "Well, that one is $1,000.00 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always prompt you when you're learning it", "no to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on", "you can have him for $10.00", "why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" "Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!

Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost. A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft. The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, " I bet he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" "Why do you say that?", the other asked. "Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"

One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion this is what he did. When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turned up, etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home. The next day in the post she received 64 letters.

A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet blocked. So he rings the Plumber. "But I do not work Sundays! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor said. "I do not like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would come round to see you" "Ok" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at the toilet, take two aspirins from his pocket and throws them down the bowel. "There" he says "If it's no better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round."

It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and at least once a month they would always hear this stomping from above. One day Izzy told his wife he was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to take a peek. After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!" When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the 'Jewish man below'.

Brother John and Bro Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: *I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?* John gives a quick look and whispers: *You remember the installation meeting last year ?* Mike acknowledges and John goes on: *Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely female. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them. I told her I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !*

WM Bro SW, the labors of the evening being ended, you have my command to close the L * SW Brn, in the name of ... (looks confused and mumbles ) Good God what's his name again ...

There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night? Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!

It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course." "The kitchen," said the Master? "Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."

A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this juncture the SW started and whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK", the candidate replied, "a lite beer".

Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a light bulb?
A: It's a secret!

Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three.


How many Masons does it take to change a bulb?

After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:
2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in this Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

There is the incident of the Irish cop who stopped a carful of Shriners for speeding. When he noticed that they were wearing fezes he said, "Oh! You're Shriners are you? Then I'll let you off this time because they do a lot of good. BUT if you were Masons I'd run you all in.

A young policeman is undergoing his initiation and has just taken his obligation, he is asked "What do you most desire?" and before the deacon can prompt him he declares that it is "To be a sergeant!"